intimacy.

i think it's what i long for the most. but maybe it's not just me. maybe you'll know too. i've been thinking about different people who have come in and out of my life - friends and family and other friends... with those i have been known and those i have known. and in the end - that desire for intimacy still lingers. sometimes it's silenced by the busyness in our lives, relationships in the foreground, or your latest interest... but in the still quiet - or even amidst all the friends in the world there is still a vacancy - a desire to be filled. to be laid out - open and known. to know without words. to be known in silence. as i write you must know that i am not wallowing in my self nor am i at the point of sadness. i'm just searching. i want to know this intimacy that is supposed to be there with God/Jesus. what does it look like? what does friendship with your creator truly look like. i desire intimacy. and in my heart i know (at least i think i do) that only this intimacy is found in Jesus. at least the purest of intimacy. perhaps i am wrong. but how do you have an intimate relationship with one you cannot see. i know i hear his voice. he speaks. but sometimes it takes all of me just to settle down enough to even hear his voice. the past couple of days i have been mulling around this idea of intimacy with Christ. "a relationship with God" you may call it. i, like other Christians, do my "daily devotions" spend time in the word, do my daily praying... but often find myself simply checking a box off of my daily to do list. maybe this is not like YOUR relationship with God. if you are already at this place of intimacy with Jesus, i'd love to know how you got there and what it looks like. anyway, since searching - just these past couple of days - there are a few things that i have come to discover about my "relationship" with God. the other day he told me that i already think that i know everything about him. that i have stopped seeking to know him and someHOW in my finite brain, i have come to believe that i have grasped all of who He is. WHOA. humbling. and as i reflect on my times with Him - i have to agree. i have walked with such a perspective. but i know that it simply rises out of a pride. out of religion. where there is no longer power and might and explosiveness about this God that i desire to know - but have given up - due to my own finiteness. i have stuck him in a box. brought him down to my level. and as i pursue to know more of this God - he proceeds to tell me that i have MUCH to learn. and the first thing - is patience. PATIENCE?!! WHAT? that's too easy. you've got to be kidding me?! what do I have to learn about patience? it seems so remedial. but i submit and begin my study on patience... blow me away Jesus.

waiting while... endurance. faithful and calm. peace. been through a lot. refined and polished. be still. put aside. focus. takes time. perseveres and doesn't give up. not marked by chaos or rushing. keeps trying. slow to anger. doesn't easily give in to ressures or the flesh. strength. suntanned and sweaty stands talls. marked by hope.

he continues with scripture. powerful truth. and ends with a lesson on the necessity of patience in creating/reaching the goal of intimacy - whoa. awesome. more understanding and a step closer to Jesus than i've had in a long time. patience. that was monday. yesterday was tuesday. and i learned i must FIGHT for intimacy. it will not come easily. for we were created for relationship. with God and each other. no wonder it's so stinking difficult to find/maintain - it's 100000% opposed. we must fight for it. and so i call. friend after friend. (okay maybe not eveyone - but specifics in my life). i must fight for friendship/intimacy, even if it means rejection - even if no one answers or calls back, i will fight for it. but YOU - YOU always answer. you are NEVER too busy. i've never caught YOU at a bad time. intimacy. with people, it seems you must create it. i must DO something to attain it. but with Jesus, it appears that i do nothing. i simply continue to discover that it's already there. everything i desire - a closeness, being known, knowing, silence - ultimately intimacy - is there. i do nothing but say yes and open the gift. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... (that was a bit of a tangent - let's go back to fighting). and so last night i talked with my dearie melissa about this intimacy with God. have either of us ever really experienced it? and do we need a human relationship to know this intimacy - so as to know how to experience it with Jesus? i don't think so. for as i've discovered just moments ago - it appears that this intimacy - IS. it just is. kind of like God. yesterday, today and forever. he just IS. maybe that's a little skewed since we were once separated from God - before accepting him as our saviour and Lord... but let's just assume since becoming Christians and asking Jesus in our heart - that this intimacy has existed (whether i am right or wrong - i'm not sure). anyway, i continue my pursuit of this intimacy. not a head knowledge or something to document in my journal - or to file away with the last stronghold prayer - but a true intimacy with God. Jesus. the God of the universe who is living in my body - whom i feel i am just getting to know... i would like to know your thoughts about this intimacy. for me i know i've searched in so many places - so many people - to fill this desire. but in the end - the common denominator is - the desire is still there. tell me what you think. i want to hear your heart. please.

thanks for listening. (: love you much!!!!!

BGIRL!