memories.

shared ones. (:

tonight i was reading through some old journals... i pulled out the one beginning with the trip i took to utah with the backpacking group. it ended with the christmas of my senior year of college. whoa lots of stuff. remembering where you have been. what jesus has done for you and all the times he's shown you mercy.

jesus is merciful to you ALL the time. at all times he is mercy. he shows mercy. he is full of forgiveness. it may be simple for you to comprehend... but if you are anything like me, it may not be so easy... in fact it's the one thing i find most difficult to really know about jesus... his love, his mercy and forgiveness. how many times have i come to him again and again - believe that he remembers and identifies me by my past sin - my failures. instead he lavishes the forgiveness and begins to excitedly speak to me of all the blessings and adventures he has in store for me just around the corner. "but no, jesus! we need to talk about this again, don't you see - i've failed you again. i've stumbled into that same sin again! we really have to get to the bottom of it and get it out... don't you see!" and he replies, "yes, i see, i saw, i forgive you, now let me tell you about what i've got for you next!!!!!!" do you ever experience such conversations with Jesus - or even just being in His presence do you notice yourself coming to him like a puppy with it's head dragging and tail between its legs? i do. but to keep this image and mindset - truth - in front of me - during the day is what i'm just now learning to do. it's a whole new way of thinking - literally ripping apart, twisting and turning all my thought processes around... maybe this is what this whole concept of restoration really is...

and how true it is - that it begins with your thoughts... what i've realized is that i have NOOOOO control over my thoughts... (i do, in jesus name) but for as long as i've lived - i've lived as if i've GOT IT ALL TOGETHER. i'm perfect, i don't really sin all that much and really life is pretty great... but what i'm realizing is that - i am having a hard time even taking my thoughts captive - or wait - even worse - even being aware of what my thoughts are throughout the day to even take them captive. whoa. i can't even keep truth in my head. in NEED, absolutely. jesus, i NEED you. and so, when i realize my lack of control, i realize that he's there. protecting me. keeping me from going too far. he's got my head. thanks, Jesus. i need it. phew....

anyway, hey i am going to jump into bed and do some more reading... i had a great conversation with my friend jennilee tonight. so good to catch up... that's all for now... more later, k?