do you really TRUST?

this morning a typical incident in the life of bethany occurred. i "lost" my check card. now this is something that happens to me once and awhile... how do YOU react? me... "ut oh" "what am i going to, i have GOT to find it... now now now... where did i put it? when was the last time i used it...?" "oh no..." interesting huh. you wouldn't think a person would react so intensely right? well, i got to thinking about it... why don't i trust jesus? why is it so hard? i realize there is a "need" for me to control things - i feel the tension deeply. it's a fear that i won't be taken care of... that there will be harsh consequences for my "failure"... that's it. an expectation of bad circumstances. i have failed and now i must face the consequences of my "irresponsibility". i am going to be punished. whether it is financial difficulty, a percetion of "irresponsibility", chaos, lack of provision... that's what will happen... pretty silly, i know. but it definitely surfaces a deeper issue. for the TRUTH is.

my card is probably not lost.
even if it is, it's okay and isn't an abnormal deal for people.
i am not an exception.
it is not a big deal.
i will not be punished harshly.
i am not labeled or identified as irresponsible.
it's okay not to be "perfect" / put together.
i am not perfect.
i can only boast in my weakness.
i must live in this place of being out of control and loving it.

i felt it again today. this tense place. of being fully surrendered. it's not a place i sense often, but i did today. it's a physical letting go... a release - a sense of "ahhh" what am i going to do, and assurance all at the same time.

a verse came to mind. a quite popular one, i know. psalm 23:1. the new living translation says, "the Lord is my shepherd; i have everything i need." so much comes out of that one verse. who is a shepherd. what does it mean to be a sheep. how does a shepherd interact with his sheep. what does that mean for me? provision, protection, personal intimacy, a knowing of one another, a friendship, leadership, a guide, comforter... everything i need. everything. needs. difference between needs and wants. enough...

anyway, that is what is on my mind. what about yours?