a week later.

2 days of intense migraines and nausea definitely makes a girl thankful for health, appetite, provision, and another day to rest!

hey friends! i hope that you're doing well... so the past few days i've been home trying to get rid of this horrible neck/headache pain. praise jesus for people like dr. simmons. he's really trying to fix my neck and i think that these days of rest have been SO fruitful. i can say that today i've felt awesome!

well tonight julie walton and i got to spend the evening with the cutest little fella. it was a blast... just playing with him - getting on my hands and knees and just watching him - so free, full of joy and life. and i LOVVED watching Julie. now that woman is amazing. it's like she immediately became his best friend - down on his level, goo-ing, gah-ing - mutual communication - and just SOO full of jesus. and i LOVEED when she was trying to put him down for beddy-bye - i could just hear her singing beautiful jesus music - and it was so delightful. her zeal and joy was just so encouraging to simply observe.

oh! so i've been reading through the old testament... i've just recently read a big section - and it's been awesome. for so long i've just read the "stories"... you know the popular ones, samson and delilah, ruth and boaz... but it's been amazing biting off larger chunks. i feel like the intimidation has been lifted and jesus has given me eyes for the "bigger picture" (i think i need to read it all again when i get through...) but it's so amazing - books like deuteronomy - you know - pretty big book - but when you read all the way through - in just a day or so - you realize that it's really just a TINY piece of so many years... only a snapshot of ALL of life in that period... almost like, - there's got to be more... anyway, i've been SO blessed. what amazes me most is how gracious our God is. I know that's pretty cliche - but seriously. the israelites rebelled, walked by their own minds, and directly disobeyed God SOOO many times. it amazes me how many times the Lord brings them back in... even after he punishes them - he kept hearing and following up with their pleas to come back to them... SO many times... it's such a picture of his love and how he sees me. how he sees you.

and so we go back in time - because as i write this, i think of a song by my "favorite", point of grace...

Jesus doesn't care what you've done before
How you've rebelled or slammed the door
No matter how far you've run or how long you've been untrue
Jesus doesn't care

He still offers forgiveness to you
For so long you've run from the Father
Into a life of sin
And each time He lovingly called you
You turned your back on Him
No matter if your failures are great or small
There's no way to hide them
He already know them all

How many tears will you cry
Till you cry out to the Father
An honest plea for mercy He will not deny
Trust Him and you're gonna find

on another note, i'm also beginning (again) to read the book Captivating by John Eldredge, have you read it before? this second time around I still feel like there is something blocking me from intimacy/revalation from this book... i've always loved john eldredge's books - but something is just "not clicking..." well last night when i was reading - i began to write in the margins and i discovered that i am one on the pages. john is describing how we as women have a desire to be pursued, to have someone "who has the passion and courage to pursue us - to get past our messiness to find the women deep inside", to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing... in my response "in some ways i feel i have shut these feelings out - equated them with some sort of weakness, feelings not allowed, for i've seen them to mean that i am not trusting fully or finding fulfillment in jesus... that these feelings mean a failure of my Spirit and contentment. Stasi writes, "Many of us have hardened our yearts to this desire, the desire to be the Beauty. We, too, have beeen hurt so deeply in this area that we no longer identify with, perhaps even resent, the longing." WHOA. Ring true? My question now remains, does this "shut down" come from previous pain/circumstances...? I'm not sure. Have you explored this area? Do you know what i'm feeling? What have you discovered. And further I wonder if this life of adventure John talks about - has that too been supressed? Have you settled for your mediocre/I'm getting through life - or are you marked by that adventure, zeal - passion? What passions have I said "no" to or forgotten? Why are the way we are? Just a few thoughts...

Okay, another thing!!! Today - I talked to this girl... My aunt told me a little bit about her story - but I am SOOO excited!! She is soo fabulous. My heart just goes out to her and I trust 100% that Jesus is going to meet her cries for help, her desperation and brokenness and soon - she too will be leaving the cage and flying. I am thrilled. It's a possibility she may get to visit this fall and HOW exciting is that! I just LOVEEEEE getting to see Jesus bring in his children. His daughters. I love it.

Annnnd Haley is going to be having Baby Girl #2!!!! I'm SO thrilled. I can't wait to see her. I miss Ra - she's just growing up so quickly. Please pray for endurance, Jesus-Strength, patience, compassion, forgiveness for her...

Alright, I think I could just keep on going - it's definitely been a longgg time... More again later though, k?

Miss you!
B